Do not let your tasks oppress you
Well, another fight is in the books; the one I am referring to is the fight before the fight.
Getting ready for an MMA fight is an all-consuming task, not just for the fighter but for those around them. The fighter is only as good as the community they allow to support them.
There were times during this training camp when I had sinfully put my blessings on trial. I had a thousand voices whispering in my ear, telling me that maybe I was not worthy of such support or perhaps that maybe I was not yet a good enough person in order to be deserving of such opportunities that had been placed in front of me. In these moments I was trying to figure out a way to approach what I was feeling, I would meditate on being grateful for the abundance that had been bestowed unto me but there was an element that was missing from my daily training, I was missing grace. I had to then ask myself what grace really was and how I could operate from it. To challenge any blessing is an assured way to find out that you are unmerited, so; the opposite must take place, acceptance.
It took me some time to find an authentic grace in moving forward as a Mixed Martial Artist. Even while everything has been in my favor thus far, I still felt like I was blindly stumbling through motion after motion, just counting on being lucky. There was a continual, uncomfortable resistance that I met which held me from taking responsibility for my own growth in confidence. The confidence I lacked was not in my ability or skill or even physical capability, it was in the Mother creator herself. I was secretly trying to defend the conventional mind over honoring the plan she had for me.
I normally walk around at about 150 pounds and like to compete at 135 pounds in MMA. I accepted this last fight at 135 pounds thinking that the weigh-ins would be the day before, however; I was devastatingly wrong and did not find this out until my team and I had shown up to the supposed weigh-ins. At this moment of finding out the harsh mistake I had made, I crumbled in panic while speaking to the promoters on the phone informing me that I would have to make the weight again the very next day. We made our way back to the hotel from where we just came, the room still humid from the last cycle of sweating the last pound out. I collapsed and started to cry, not because I was sad but because I knew that I was going to make the weight for the second time and it was going to cost me. I looked at my Coach/boyfriend as he held me, vision blurry with tears “I am so hungry and it hurts.” It is only now reflecting on that moment I realize what I was hungry for, the truth, do I really want to be a warrior? I questioned that right up until I was walking out to the cage. Prior to walking out, my Coach and I were warming up, I had a few slow moments that I could tell worried him, he stopped me and told me “Whatever happens in there is going to expose what you really want, this is your title but only if you truly want it" as he pointed to my chest. His words shook me and I could feel my eyes change, I wanted it. I wanted it not just for the shiny belt but to be the emerging example of the Warrior Path. I needed to show how loved I am through what I do so that maybe one day I can say with the utmost confident grace that I am worthy of sharing my love with others.
It is not a mistake rings and cages have canvas stretched over them; I want to be able to show how to turn life into the canvas. The significance of this event is that if I had known that the weigh-ins were on the same day as the night of the fight then I would not have taken this fight at all.
Mother creator has her ways of showing the beauty and purpose of your life, free yourself and do not make the mistake of being afraid to let her into your heart. Let life happen.
With all of that being said, it is really hard to describe how truly grateful I am for the support that has been shown by my teammates, family, friends, and co-workers. Without your voices of support, I would not be able to do this.
To my training partners; I would not be the fighter that I am without you showing up ready to work, every day. Thank you especially to my training partner and corner woman, Jenn for going above and beyond any expectation to help me prepare for this; she is a true warrior herself. To my family; thank you for your forgiveness, because I am so wrapped up in my training I may not always be the most reliable family member while in fight camp, I love you so much. To my friends and co-workers; thank you for your enthusiasm, it really keeps me going on days when my energy is low, this goes so far. A special thank you to my sponsor, the face and Co-founder/CEO of Isomers Skincare Laboratories, Manuela Marcheggiani. This woman has a heart of gold and has taught me the importance of seeking authentic confidence by example, thank you, this fight would not have happened without your help. Thank you to my sponsors/movement coaches, Bonar and Lea from Move to Move. What you have taught me with your practice has in turn given my practice the edge that it needed to stand out. Training with Move to Move, my strength, reaction time and focus have improved noticeably since working with you. Thank you CJ Hollett for taking a legitimate interest in my learning, your attention to detail as a coach is a very rare thing. And obviously, thank you to Dan Miller, my MMA coach/boyfriend who has given me everything. Your faith in me will never be wasted. You have the words of a Philosopher and the patience of a Saint. You have faith in me when I struggle to find it in myself but the most beautiful part about that is you teach me to find it. I will do my best to never take advantage of your kindness, I love you more than you know.
From my heart to yours,
Melissa "Scare" Croden